Chavtastic!

1. What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.

2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.

4. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

5. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

6. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.

7. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

8. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
What you lookin' at?"

9. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police

10. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A liar.

11. What do you say to a chav with a job?
Can I have a big mac please.

12. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
Will the defendant please stand.

13. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
A Nova seats 4

14. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
Granny.

15. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they'll screw anything.

16. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
A start.

17. What do you call a Chav at college?
The cleaner.

Health advice

FACTS
=====

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.



CONCLUSION
==========

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Tags: jokes, joke, health advice

Chicken surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Tags: jokes, joke, Chinese Food, Peking Duck, chicken

The bear, the lion and the chicken

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me"

Chicken says: "Big deal. I only have to cough and the entire planet sh_ts itself"

Tags: jokes, joke, bird flu, avian flu, chicken, chickens

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Tags: jokes, joke, sex, no sex, sergeant major

The Greatest?

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the Greatest:

The First: A Hawk claimed that he was the greatest because of his ability to fly. He could attack any prey repeatedly from above leaving it nary a chance to survive.

The Second: A Lion claimed that he was the greatest because of his great strength. No one would in the forest would dare challenge him.

The Third: A Skunk claimed that he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten away any creature.

And while they were debating the issue, along came a Grizzly Bear and swallowed them ALL ... HAWK, LION and STINKER!!!!!!

Tags: animals, jokes, joke

News Update

It's just got worse. As well as the Canary Islands, President George W. Bush has given the order to bomb Turkey in an attempt to end the spread of bird flu.

Tags: George W Bush, bird flu, avian flu, jokes, joke