Snowmen

Two Snowmen are standing in a garden.

One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell Carrots?"

Noah

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God, my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether............

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

Daftness!

Turn up your sound and enjoy.

The Post Office

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*@!"rds at the Post Office."

Puns

A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

--

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

--

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

--

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

--

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

--

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

--

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named " Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds ..... "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

--

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

--

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Barbie

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that he has forgotten to buy his daughter's Christmas present, so he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.99


Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's car
Ken's house
Ken's boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...

The coffin

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from the pub. It
was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......





BUMP........












BUMP........













BUMP........












Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.













BUMP........













BUMP........













BUMP........













He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.













Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.













BUMP........












BUMP........












BUMP........













He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........













BUMP........BUMP......













BUMP........BUMP.....












BUMP........BUMP......













The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......













BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......












BUMP........BUMP......BUMP.....













BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......












He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .












BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.













BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....














BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.













Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, is hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair.












Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....














BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP..SCREECH...













BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...













BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...













In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........














BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...














BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...












BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP..SCREECH...HOP...














The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges....


The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.













BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...














BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP..SCREECH...












BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...














In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......


He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came.













BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...












He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....


Still it came......












BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...













He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......













BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...













He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........













The coffin stopped.