Breaking news

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

Tags: George W Bush, bird flu, avian flu, jokes, joke

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Tags: sexism, the battle of the sexes, jokes, joke

Jack's telephone number

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. Who are you talking about."

Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Tags: jokes, blonde joke

Serious poetry

Tony Blair is visiting Edinburgh and decides to grace a hospital with his presence. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, and he goes to the first bed and greets the occupant. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is bemused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient, and greets him. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Now rather more bemused, his rictus-like grin hardening, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns unit!"

I wonder...

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path


How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.


What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!


What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick


What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.


What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.


What is the difference between a Harley and a hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

A visit to the zoo

A man goes to the zoo.

When he gets there, there was only a dog.

It was a shitzu.

New element discovered

A major research institute has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element know to science.

It has been tentatively named 'Governmentium'. Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutron, 75 deputy neutrons, and 222 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast numbers of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount causes one reaction to take 4 days to complete, which would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact its mass will increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

The characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This quantity is known as 'critical morass'. You will know it when you see it.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiated just as much energy, since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

39 phrases of wisdom

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the holiday.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It’s not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

Welsh Movies

Following the success of Catherine Zeta-Jones, Katherine Jenkins and
Charlotte Church, the Welsh film industry has decided to remake many well known films.

These are planned for release later this year:

9 1/2 Leeks

Trefforest Gump

Cwmando

The Lost Boyos

An American Werewolf in Powys

Dai Hard

Sheepless in Seattle

The Eagle has Llandudno

The Magnificent Severn

Austin Powys

The Magic Rhonddabout

The Bridge on The River Wye

The Sheepshag Redemption

Breakfast at Taffynys

Look back in Bangor

Evans Can Wait

A Fishguard Called Rhondda

Where Eagles Aberdare

Dial M For Merthyr

The
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That
Time Forgot