Church bulletin bloopers

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Sex Therapist

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98.

The Hilton charges £139.

We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"

Makes you look forward to those national ID cards...

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza ****. May I have your national
ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is mailto:sheehan@home.net sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.

Thank you for calling Pizza ****.

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees a Ham Bush"

Ouch!

Heaven and hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks the engineer's dossier and says, "I'm sorry buy you've come to the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. The engineer soon becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing, making improvements, and building. After a while, air conditioning is running, and bathrooms and showers are built. Escalators appear from one level to another. And the engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks , "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? There's been a mistake! He should never have been sent down there: send him back up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?

French Military Victories

I love France, but it seems Google doesn't have quite the same view:

1- Go to www.google.com

2- Type in "french military victories", without the quotes.

3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling Lucky"

Bin Laden's message

After numerous rounds of 'We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still
alive' Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter which just appeared to contain a single line of coded message.

370HSSV - 0773H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at
the FBI so it was then passed to the CIA, who in turn sent it to NASA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for
help. Within a minute MI-6 emailed the White House with this reply.

'Tell the President he is holding the message upside down'